February 4th, 2015

Sometimes I wonder what the grand plan for me is and why I feel that I am being played like a puppet. I am 31 years old and I have no sense of what tomorrow will bring. Live for the moment. I cannot always do that, especially when it comes to situations grander than me. I often wish that certain things did not come so easy for me yet I fight all the time. I am consistently feeling like I am in battle mode and I am always ready to stand up for myself. Why should I have to do that? Why should anyone have to do that?
My grandma likes to only talk about herself and teacups. She makes the teacups and hands them out; ask my friends. Last night, I took the time to repeat that I had made the Dean's List in school. Maybe not for her to hear but to be reminded myself of what I have achieved. I don't give myself enough credit for slaying beasts and coming out the victor. Yet, being the victor can be bittersweet as you never really win, at least in my world. For every 100 steps you take, there are 400 more you must take for someone else. I am at the point where I am at a loss as to what to do. I have this novel and a few ideas for more but could I really be a starving artist? Could I live on Ramen noodles and cheap coffee in order to tell my story? No, I fucking can't and the reason for that is I am not the black and white that I type but rather the color in between. I thrive on something bigger; a life bigger. I was meant for this incredibly fabulous life where I have a Mercedes and never have to worry about working if I don't want to and the jobs that I take are ones that I am passionate about. When you are a creative person, it is assumed that you are lazy. You cannot always work full-time because your passion consumes you in so many ways. My head is always flowing with ideas and ways to make my writing better and to achieve success. I think that it is time to reevaluate my life. Maybe work a little harder on my novel, enter even more contests, see my psychiatrist less...any solutions out there? Adam Levine used to be scared to look at the audience so he would have his back to them when he started performing. Now, he is preparing to sing LIVE at the Oscars. Let that be me. Let me have the strength to turn around and face the audience with confidence, pride and accomplishment!
Much Love,
Mandi