January 20th, 2015

Inner Idol(s): ?
Current Mood: thoughtful
Song of the Day: "Velvet" by Chris Jamison

I have been battling an inner conflict for the past, I guess three weeks now. I am struggling to stick to my morals and all that I am and want to be yet I know that I may have to bend a little to get further in life. Friends tell me that whatever I choose to do with my life, they will support me but I don't think that they realize that yes, the long-term results could be amazing. Yet, in the short-term, I am grappling to find my answers. My mom knows that I was never one to follow the crowd and definitely never a "small town girl." Sometimes I wonder if having had a child who got her BA in Math or English would have made her life easier but I definitely think that she liked the challenge. After all, it is very reminiscent of the type of woman she is. We are not the types to lay down and play dead; it's just not in our nature. 
I knew that I wanted to stand up for the underdog and then, upon graduation, I felt that fighting was not how I wanted to spend my life. So I put it in my back pocket. Yet, I continued to fight in other ways throughout my 31 years under all different circumstances. I am still fighting but this internal battle is literally killing me. It's making me sick. I am a highly stressed person and my mind never stops running a marathon. I do take anti-anxiety medications; who doesn't nowadays? It's almost like an adult vitamin. But I also have IBS. Gross, I know but it's my ass and I'll talk about it when I want to. It has been bad for about four years but in the past month, it has gotten so bad that I had to go back to the doctor. The fact that my anti-anxiety pills were not calming me enough to calm the IBS showed that it was severe. I am trying to combat it so I can live a life with minimal health issues but it really is not easy. The future I suppose is so uncertain that we just have to go with the flow. Go with your gut even if your gut is rupturing. But, the moment that I start to lose who I am and have no idea who is looking back at me in the mirror is the day that I just stop. 

Stay strong!
Mandi